So you're saying there's a chance...

Dear friend,

You have aspirations. You want to be in better in shape, enjoy your work more, pay down your debts, make something cool, have a hobby you feel empowered by and grateful for.

You have energy. You wake up every day at 5 AM. You run, do chores, invest in your work. You spend time with loved ones, virtually and physically. You cook, often.

You have aspirations and energy. What’s the hold up? How long might we expect these aspirations to stay aspirations? How will we know that the primordial soup in your life is starting to take form into the something more you’re hoping for?

I think … I think we have to turn our minds from the aspiration to the process. We have to give up on the idea that we’ll like it and just start making it a little better. We have to ask ourselves, with every ounce of energy we put out, are we creating or destroying? Is it a condemnation or a breath of much needed support? Are we the vacuum sucking the air out of the room or the candle lighting the way in the darkness?

Lately, you’ve been saying lots of things that sound like this:

  • “I can’t. I just can’t.”
  • “I don’t care.”
  • “I hate my job.”
  • “I don’t know what I’m doing.”
  • “I’m no good at ABC.”
  • “I need DEF so that XYZ.”

Immutable statements like those above make life a gray plain of drudgery. If we get caught in this trap, we’re taking away our own chance to notice something spectacular. There might be itty bitty crabs on the gray plains. There might be gray flowers we’re missing. Or maybe the trick is to look up instead of down. Maybe there’s a daytime showing of the Aurora Borealis, or a special bird sitting on a gray cactus right over there.

Or maybe it’s true, and we’re on the gray plains of drudgery. We’re actually there, and there’s nothing for it but to keep soldiering on. But even if that’s the case, we can focus on our breathing. On keeping our paces the same length. We can count to one thousand, then again, and again. We can tell ourselves a story, and then change out a character and tell it again. We can look back every 1000 paces and celebrate that we’ve moved on. That the drudgery is closer to being over. We can practice grace and compassion. We can plan what will be next so that when we get off the gray plains, we’ll have something to try.

What you’re doing right now doesn’t seem to be working, so I want to provide an alternative example:

It was good this morning to be able to say “I don’t feel good about myself. That’s what you’re feeling. It’s not anger or resentment towards you. It’s anger and resentment towards me that is boiling over.” That’s a sea change, for me. It proved that I’ve been paying attention to my therapists, coaches, and mentors through the years.

Here’s what made my statement effective:

  1. I named the thing, giving myself a chance to rectify it. Just like Harry Potter and Dumbledore use Voldemort’s name so must we name the things that make us uncomfortable, especially when that discomfort resides within.
  2. I created an environment in which normalization became very easy (e.g. surely if I’m not feeling very good about myself there’s a reason… and it’s likely that other people would feel bad too). Discomfort thrives on isolation. When we normalize, we become one of many. The spotlight turns off and we can focus on the work, instead of the performance, of getting better.
  3. I framed my mood and view of myself as mutable. That means it can be changed. My mood can improve. My view of myself can improve. If everything I do, and will do, is fixed– what’s the point? I’ve life to be more fun and fulfilling when I’ve leaned in to change instead of declaring it impossible.

I’m here to build a better life for me and my family. I want a better life. I want to take small steps towards that better life every single day. If I don’t move forward every day, I give entropy more time to erase the path behind me. That makes it more likely I’ll retrace my steps. That’s the only way to be stuck on the gray plains forever. I don’t want that. You don’t either.

You know what you want. You know what you don’t want. Don’t squander the chance for more of the former before pursuing it.

Yours,
JT